Team Sting: Music Police

Finally, a pop star worthy of the name has come out and said what every sane person in this country has been thinking for years: X Factor sucks.

Ok, I may be horribly misquoting Sting there. So here’s a direct quote I’ve taken from Wednesday’s edition of London’s most respected evening newspaper. “The X Factor is a preposterous show and you have judges who have no recognisable talent apart from self-promotion, advising them [contestants] what to wear and how to look. It is appalling. In fact, it has put music back decades”.

I understand the wordsmith behind such lyrical classics as “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da” may not be an absolute authority when it comes to judging what is or isn’t good music. Still, it’s hard to argue with his reasoning here.

What I found significant about Sting’s dismay is that he’s a bona fide musician, famed for his popular music, voicing concerns at a reality show seemingly designed to promote new musical talent.

Coincidentally, I decided to watch my first episode of X Factor the other week as some sort of social experiment. I know some will find this claim to be rather fantastical, but I’ve very happily navigated my way through life without reality tv thus far.

Unfortunately, I also believe that you can’t really have a considered opinion on anything unless you’ve experienced it for yourself.

By the by, if anyone reading this happens to know Alan Johnson could they pass this sentiment onto him?

Having prepared myself for the worst, I was amazed at how the X Factor managed to surpass all my expectations. In fact, I’m still caught between whether to be impressed or horrified by this feat.

At first I was bewitched by the outfit Mrs Cole had chosen for the evening. The nation’s favourite Geordie appeared to be wearing a department store make-up counter for a dress.

I can only assume she’d become disorientated backstage and mistook her beauty studio for wardrobe.

My attention soon switched to the hopelessly miscast songs on offer in this special “rock” edition of the show. I know my idea of music may differ slightly from most everyone else associated with X Factor, but when did Keane qualify as a rock band?

Even their mother’s couldn’t say this about their offspring with a straight face.

To be fair to the contestant’s, and god knows I really didn’t want to be, most of them had fair singing voices. I didn’t get the point of some blonde boy covering Katy Perry’s track “I Kissed a Girl”, as if there was still something taboo when a guy sings this song.

Then again, given his profession of choice, it’s entirely possible the kid was genuinely surprised by his discovery.

The partisan crowd played their part too, exuberantly hollering and cheering on every performer. I think this is what fans of the show enjoy most, the feeling that they’re active participants in this theatre.

Naturally, these moments merely served as amuse bouche for the main course. It’s the “celebrity” judges everyone wants to see, a very strange concept for someone unfamiliar with this particular strain of reality tv.

Viewers were treated to Simon Cowell et al championing whoever was most popular with the mob on the night which, to my eyes and ears, didn’t appear to be based on either merit or talent.

Admittedly, this was another assumption I’d held about the show as an outsider. And was as ill conceived as all my other expectations. No matter, the ability to sing isn’t a prerequisite for popularity on X Factor.

Then we were shown the other side of this grotesque pantomime, with judges heckling their peers and respective protégés to score points with the crowd. Who responded with raucous cheers or jeers, depending on what was said and whether it met with their approval.

It was as if I’d been transported back in time and space to a roman coliseum in it’s pomp.

Of course, as you might have guessed from someone who’s never watched the show before, none of this really bothered me. There’s one simple truth about the X Factor that seems to have escaped every media outlet that cries foul when contestants who can actually sing are cast out in favour of less credible acts.

The X Factor is not a talent show, it’s a popularity contest.

It’s easy to forget this and get caught up in the PR machinations laid out on tv by the machiavellian genius that is Simon Cowell. Even editors forget themselves, and the nature of the fourth estate, as they devote pages of copy to the contenders in an attempt to make their publications more popular.

I guess the X Factor’s participants aren’t the only ones involved in a popularity contest.

Of course, as with anything in this world, we’re the ones with the real power here. If people stopped watching the show, as they did with the original reality tv vehicle Popstars, X Factor would disappear without trace.

But that’s missing the point. It’s not like the Hearsay audience suddenly realised what they were watching was manufactured and changed their ways. They simply moved onto a bigger, cleaner hit.

Rest assured the seeds of X Factor’s demise have already been laid by the oxymoronic Britain’s Got Talent, the name of whose creator escapes me right now…

Escalation’s a funny thing.

Now we’ve reached a point where even those who should know better, actual musicians, feel the need to comment on the media storm the X Factor has spawned.

The truth is Sting is wrong; X Factor won’t adversely affect the music industry. Any budding musician with their own vision or an ounce of integrity wouldn’t go near the show. Some people may feel sympathy for the contestants who get chewed up by the greatest advert in the history of music, and I use the word “great” in its loosest possible terms here.

But they’re not children, and they’re not idiots either. They know what they are signing up to when they audition for the show; a shot at fame, fortune and popularity. And some of them will be lucky enough to get their fifteen minutes worth or more out of it.

Alas, it will not be for their musical talent. No doubt this year’s winner will be an accomplished singer, as was the case last year. Which will make their lip synching television performances even more bewildering to people who think the X Factor is about music.

They will enjoy a million selling number one single over Christmas, which will most likely be a cover version of an already popular song. If this leads to increased awareness of truly great artists such as Jeff Buckley and Leonard Cohen, as last year’s “Hallelujah” undoubtedly achieved, I might even argue that X factor will have accomplished something positive in the music industry.

Personally, I’m hoping Simon Cowell and his acolytes plump for a classic Police track. Then we’ll discover how Sting truly feels about self promotion.