Turned on the TV lately? Opened up a newpaper? Visited the cinema? If the answer is in the affirmative, then chances are you’ll have been subjected to some of the most hackneyed slogans known to man. The métier of marketing is as old as trade itself, so the implementation of some new and original ideas that might kick the industry up the butt is well overdue. The earliest form of advertising can be traced back to the days when posters told of gladiatorial contests in Ancient Rome. Commercial announcements appeared in print midway through the seventeenth century, with the first advert in an American newspaper (for an estate on Long Island) following a few years later. The notion of introducing a strap-line to emphasize a statement came into play during the First World War. The classic application remains the recruitment poster that depicted Lord Kitchener extending his index finger to assert, “Your Country Needs You”. America followed suit in 1916, when a portrait of ‘Uncle Sam’ informing his fellow countrymen “I Want You For The U.S. Army” was produced for a similar campaign.
When commercial television arrived on the scene, it was something of a novelty to join in with the jingles. Many of the ads were more memorable than the latest pop hits, so it wasn’t uncommon to hear “Don’t forget the fruit gums mum”, “P-Pick up a Penguin” or “Yoo-hoo, Ty·Phoo” being sung in the street. Back then catchphrases weren’t allowed to go stale because updates were being made all the time. For some reason it’s the opposite way around these days. One particular tag-line, which is well past its sell-by date and should be avoided at all costs, is the highly unctuous - “Ask Your Doctor”. You can just imagine how many G.P.’s draw breath every time they hear this mother-of-all vagaries. Of late, the drug industry has been spending a fortune encouraging concerned individuals to meet with a physician to discuss the merits of a pill they’ve seen on TV. But guess what? This kind of high-pressure approach is scaring consumers away. People are far more focused on the side effects that get mentioned in the ad, so they end up believing the wonder cure will do more harm than good. As a result, the fifth most heavily advertised drug, Ambien, has become synonymous with side effects like hallucinations and dietary problems rather than anything positive. The company’s on-air campaign cost $151 million last year, and Ambien sales have since fallen by 37%.
Close behind in our tedious TV-ad top ten, lurks the mind-numbing - “For a limited time only”. This phrase has also been flogged to death, yet the mavens of Madison Avenue still think the public is going to rush out and purchase something that’s in danger of disappearing off the shelf. Retailers wouldn’t do anything of the sort, especially if there’s a big budget involved. For the truly adventurous ad agent who is determined to use as many catch-phrases as possible, there’s always the Infomercial. Better known as paid-programming, these prolonged-productions usually air outside of peak hours, or sometimes right at the moment the remote disappears down the back of the sofa. The formula frequently centres around a maze of gadgetry or household effects, but it’s often an overpriced boxed-set of Golden Oldies that is the focus of attention. The big sell gets underway with a declaration that the package is “Not available in stores”. How reassuring this is. Then the prime focus of the pitch kicks in with a parade of actors endorsing the product and claiming they once owned all of the tracks on scratchy 45s. Finally we get the piece de resistance which is always delivered with a booming - “But wait, there’s more!” There is? “Order now and you’ll receive an extra CD, absolutely free!” In that case here’s my credit card, which is also past its sell-by date.
It must be flattering for marketeers to think that their slick use of the lexicon has now found its way into the media. Let’s say you switch off the TV and open today’s paper. The first thing you see is a photo depicting a pair of blue suede shoes with an accompanying headline that reads - “Fans get all shook up over Elvis”. Give me strength! That’s not all, because the adjoining page contains a plug for a Slade reunion that urges - “Dust off your flares and dig out those tie-dyes!”. Can you believe that? Dig a little deeper and you’re likely to encounter another level of crassness - “First picture of…”. This totally vacuous edict suggests we are in line to see photo after photo of some oik who’s become newsworthy because his dog has got trapped down a drain. In desperation you turn to the sports section, and it’s there that you learn about a soccer transfer that’s supposedly gripping the nation - “Everyone’s talking about…”. Just to rub salt in an already gaping wound, the article wraps with the highly stultifying - “And the rest is history”. The hack responsible then writes about a European International in which he originates a statement that is all his own - “Instead of heading the ball, Rooney pulled the trigger with his foot”. The guy does however have the last laugh, because he notes that on his flight back from the game he witnessed the pilot saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude and we will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants”. Whether it’s an ad or a journalistic statement, humour outweighs the serious stuff every time.
Like it or not, idiosyncrasies in the modern world are a necessary evil. Ad agencies and the media in general have to keep coming up with attention-grabbing one-liners, because marketing is essentially the art of getting people to spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need. Fair enough. But, as a plea from the heart, is it too much to ask for a few newly-minted phrasings? TV commercials have become more annoying than ever, due to a dearth of imagination, and our broadsheets and red-tops are in danger of extinction. Not so much from the internet, but from diminishing journalistic standards. Perhaps, therefore, it’s come to the point where we have to say - “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”? Then again, such an admittance might bring about - “If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it”. So, for the good of mankind, let’s just turn the latter around to read - “It is broken, so please fix it”.
