Let’s all play a ‘virtual reality’ game. Imagine a group of MPs in a farmyard, alongside a herd of swine. Now, concentrate. Can you really tell the difference? Well done, of course you can – the pigs are the ones with their snouts in the trough! That was easy.

Up for another challenge? Well OK, let’s stretch your imagination. The scene suddenly changes to a lavish dining area somewhere in the heart of the House of Commons. Now, try again. Only this time, can you distinguish between the behaviour of Man and beast? What do you mean, you can’t because they’ve all got their snouts in the so-called trough? Surely some mistake…

Virtual reality? Well, it’s probably closer to the truth than one would like to imagine. For many of our hard-up elected political representatives have apparently been busy running up a staggering £140,000 in unpaid meal bills, while wining (shouldn’t that be swining?) and dining ‘at work’ in the House – which boasts an incredible 19 restaurants, bars and cafes (an obscene number of eateries for an over-privileged bunch of so-called politicians).

The revelation comes courtesy of figures released under the Freedom of Information Act, which show that 329 MPs (that’s more than half of those sitting in the House) owe a total of £138,046 for food and drink bills – an average of £419 each.

Of these, 104 haven’t settled up for more than three months, with a further 77 still owing a total of £45,150 – that’s £586 each – after more than six months.

So, with the expenses scandal still fresh in everyone’s mind, it’s good to know that MPs have learned at least two important lessons (maybe a hint of sarcasm here). One: always leave your wallet/purse at home. Two: keep on ‘extracting the urine’ from the electorate – the humble taxpaying public, which subsidises said meals, booze etc in the first place – for as long as possible.

What a disgraceful state of affairs. Name and shame the arrogant swine, I say – or at least bring us their heads on a plate! Alternatively, the establishment could close ranks to protect the culprits.

And guess what? A House of Commons spokesman has refused to divulge the identities of MPs with unpaid bills. They were, he adds, sent regular reminders about their debts.

Well, that’s all right then. Nothing liked tough action to solve an unacceptable problem, eh.

High time for order in the House, methinks.

 ULTRA PC

So, Her Majesty the Queen will soon be able to relax in the Palace with the knowledge she is under the watchful eyes of not only ‘straight’ police officers from Scotland Yard’s Royalty Protection Branch – but also gay, lesbian and transgender ones, too!

Nothing wrong with that, I add hastily – especially as it is the brainchild of Metropolitan Police chiefs, who this week sanctioned a job advert inviting ‘special groups’ to apply to protect the Royal Family at Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and Balmoral.

Hopefully the move – which could be described as ultra PC – will result in allaying apparent concern within the Met that there are not enough officers from minority groups on royal protection duties.

RABBIT SWANSONG?

For years they have had more rabbit than Sainsbury’s, but popular ‘rockney’ duo Chas (Hodges) and Dave (Peacock) have finally run out of words.

 So, depending on your view of their particular brand of music, the news that the cheeky, chirpy, cockney chappies are calling it a day and going their separate ways after nearly 40 years, will be viewed as either heartbreaking or a blessing in disguise!

On a sad note, the split follows the death of 64-year-old Dave’s wife, Sue, from cancer. “Understandably Dave has taken his loss very badly and he hasn’t the heart to continue gigging, and with regret he has decided to retire from the music business” the duo’s agent Barry Collings is reported as saying.

Happily, though, the show will go on – thanks to Chas, 65, who has vowed to continue playing their hits under the name of ‘Chas and His Band’.

So, listen out for the melodic sounds of such rockney greats as Rabbit, The Sideboard Song, Ain’t No Pleasing You and Snooker Loopy, issuing forth from a venue near you.

Gertcha, Dave – and good luck!

 TIGHT SPOTS AND BRIEF ENCOUNTERS

Isn’t it great to see that men’s fashion designers haven’t lost their sense of humour over what they think we should all be wearing under jeans (well, I suppose it will be suits for all you rich City slickers) to keep warm and look slimmer  this winter?

I am, of course, referring to men’s tights or ‘mantyhose’, as they have been dubbed. And here is my problem. I just cannot imagine any red-blooded male ever admitting – let alone wearing – tights (albeit designed and manufactured for men) in the first place.

On reflection, I suppose there are exceptions – and everyone has a right to choose when it comes to keeping in touch with one’s feminine side!

However, David Walker-Smith, Selfridges’ director of menswear and beauty, managed to sum it all up perfectly: “This winter, the City’s most stylish men will have a secret weapon hidden in their trousers.”

Yes, but what about the mantyhose, David?!

Meanwhile, there’s good news for left-handers who will no doubt be relieved that they can now buy underpants specially designed to save time when using the stand-ups in the gents toilet, for example!

Apparently, the secret is all in the gusset which sports a horizontal slit on top, rather than a vertical one on the right (for right-handers, obviously).

For those who do not understand the technicalities, Rob Faucherand of Debenhams, explained: “Left-handed men have to reach much further into their pants, performing a Z-shaped manoeuvre through two 180 degree angles before achieving the result that right-handed men perform with ease.”

Ah, well that’s cleared that up then. But how are they going to work when worn under mantyhose? The mind boggles!

 Have a good weekend.