Hey – I’ve got this absolutely wicked idea for raising shed loads of dosh. I’m going to invite people – preferably well-heeled, famous, members of society – to have their photo taken alongside me for a hefty fee.
I reckon they’ll jump at the chance – a real investment opportunity. They get ‘a picture to treasure’ with a value that will surely rocket in time, and me? Well, I just get filthy, stinking, rich – that sounds fair, doesn’t it?!
Now, where shall I start on my list? I know, how about an ex-Prime Minister. They never seem short of a bob or two after running (ruining?) the country. Let’s look under ‘B’. Aha! Blair, Tony – the ideal candidate, a man of high standards and great moral fibre.
If he’d pose with me, I would be absolutely delighted to donate the cash to charity. But, hey, I expect he’s too busy bolstering up his multi-million pound empire with Cherie.
And true to form, he is. In fact, cheeky old Tone has ‘stolen’ my idea (that’s my story, anyway) and – not content with making hundreds of thousands of pounds from public speaking – is reportedly charging members of the public £180 to have their photograph taken with him. Now, who in their right mind would pay him for this extremely dubious privilege? I just hope these fees do not end up in his pocket.
I guess I’ll just have to cross Tone off as a “no” to my snappy invitation – unless, of course, he decides to prove me wrong. You never know – but don’t hold your breath!
Mind you, no matter what happens, if we wait a few months until after the impending General Election, there’s another prominent politician whose surname begins with the letter ‘B’, who will definitely be joining my list. Gordon wouldn’t let me down, would he?!
IT’S A STEAL
Leicestershire’s boys in blue have come up with a novel idea of how to dispose of goods bought by convicted criminals with ‘dirty’ money – most are being auctioned off on eBay to fund the county police force’s crime fighting initiatives as part of a six month trial.
Over the past year, items worth more than £3 million – ranging from luxury vehicles to designer handbags – have been confiscated by Leicestershire Police and courts under the Proceeds of Crime Act but only goods, such as stereos, TVs and computers, are finding their way onto eBay.
During a recent auction, bargain hunters were able to snap up luxury items including a 47-inch LCD TV (£345), an Xbox (£45), a Sony PS2 (£21) plus a Nintendo Wii (£50).
GRAN DESIGNS
And next time someone upsets you – no matter who – why not whack ’em up for sale on the internet, just for the hell of it!
Well that’s exactly what ten-year-old Zoe Pemberton, of Clacton, decided to do via eBay for a joke when she got a bit fed up with the constant demands of her gran, who was suffering from a knee injury.
“I didn’t know how much we’d get for her, maybe 99p,” said Zoe, who managed to keep the auction a secret from her dad, Thomas, for quite a while.
Fortunately, all ended happily when gran, 61-year-old Marian Goodall, learnt that she was worth £20,541 – the figure at which bidding was halted !
Mind you, it would have been interesting to see how much more she would have fetched but, as an eBay spokesman put it: “While no doubt Mrs Goodall would have fetched a princely sum, eBay does not allow the listing of any human-being on the site.” Spoil sports!
Oh well, back to the drawing board Zoe!
BRAIN DRAIN
Now I know why I’m not ‘the brightest bulb in a string of fairy lights’, so to speak. It’s nothing to do with the amount of grey matter I actually possess – it’s all because of the margarine I slapped lovingly on slices of bread and toast during my early school years!
No! I can’t say I’m convinced, either. But after a study involving children born in the mid-1990s, researchers at Auckland University in New Zealand, say youngsters who ate margarine daily had lower IQs than those who did not.
In fact, during intelligence tests conducted at the age of three-and-a-half, they scored three points less than other children. And it could all be due to a higher content of trans fats in margarine of that era – something that we don’t have to contend with nowadays, according to the researchers. So, there you have it.
However, in my case, I can’t help wondering if it’s possible to reverse the effects. Now where’s that pack of butter?
BIG DROPS…
From one pea-brain who has so far survived, to another that hasn’t. Step forward the humble, but awesome, dinosaur which fizzled out not because of a ‘big bang’ (that’s when an asteroid collides with Earth, for example), but due to what these days is considered a pea-brained ailment: erm…a sore throat!
Scientists from the University of Wisconsin-Madison have apparently found evidence in the remains of a Tyrannosaurus Rex to back up their theory that the species was wiped out by trichomonosis, an avian parasitic infection of the throat and mouth (usually found in, and transmitted by, birds) that could have been so severe it caused the seven-ton 42-foot giants to starve to death.
Well, that may be so, but all I can say is it’s a damn good job it wasn’t due to ‘man flu’. Now that would have been worrying!
…AND BIG FLOPS
Amongst the ever-increasing surveys into our sex lives comes news that the English (note that it’s not ‘the British’) are trailing well behind the rest of the world when it comes to l-e-r-v-e.
A poll of 15,000 well-travelled (that phrase is certainly open to individual interpretation!) women by global research website OnePoll.com concluded that the English male is very lazy in bed ‘letting women do all the work’. Absolute rot, I can’t believe that!
Anyway, men from Wales were considered selfish and those from Scotland too loud. Amusingly, German lovers were ‘too smelly’, while the plaudits – boringly, but predictably – went to the Spain, Brazil, Italy and France.
But worryingly, the survey doesn’t actually mention which nation wins the booby prize, if you’ll excuse the pun!
Another study – this one, courtesy of researchers at the University of Leeds – concludes that after lovemaking, while the man falls gently to sleep (probably exhausted after letting his partner do all the work!), the woman will turn her thoughts to…housework. Yes, housework for heaven’s sake!
Mind you, it’s only when you read halfway through the blurb that you realise that this research was conducted on fruit flies, which pass on a chemical – or sex peptide – to the female during mating. This somehow changes her from sex bomb to housework fiend in an instant – leaving the male to slumber on peacefully!
Isn’t nature wonderful?
Have a great weekend.
beccahutson
5 months, 2 weeks ago
Wow! I would gladly pay £180 for a picture with you phil!!
And i know our web developer would pay more!