As you fight your way through the throngs of high street Christmas shoppers, just take a good look at the faces around you – and remember what you are about to read here.
Why? Erm, well, I don’t want to alarm you, but … there’s just a chance that you may unwittingly be in the company of a serious criminal or two! And when I say ‘serious’, I mean seriously, serious – like murderers and sex offenders for heaven’s sake!
Granted, most of them will have paid their debt to decent society with a long stint behind bars. But what about the rest? Well, they will probably have been released from Her Majesty’s Prison by mistake. Yes, by mistake! Comforting, eh.
Becoming just ever-so-slightly paranoid? Well, perhaps you should be, according to Shadow Justice Secretary Dominic Grieve QC who this week revealed after an investigation that 193 inmates – including murderers and sex offenders – have been released by mistake between 2005 and September this year.
For example, only last week Jason Bethell handed himself to police after he was freed from Chelmsford prison by mistake while on remand, facing a murder charge.
And up in Durham in October last year, a prisoner by the name of Terence Clegg was released instead of his father who shared the same name and was held in the same jail.
Then there’s the case of three unnamed sex offenders who were freed under The End of Licence Custody Licence – an early release scheme introduced in June 2007 as part of the Government’s response to prison overcrowding – when they were not eligible because of the nature of their crimes, in the first place.
Blunders like these could have devastating consequences if a criminal reoffends (as has been the case), points out Mr Grieve, Tory MP for Beaconsfield.
“As prisons have become more overcrowded, staff overworked and transfers more frequent, the number of erroneous releases has shot up. This is a direct consequence of Labour’s incompetent mismanagement of the justice system,” he adds.
Well, am I missing something here? It all sounds like a case of prison authorities – overstretched as they may be – failing to implement basic checks, like: does this mugshot match this prisoner’s face and is he/she eligible for release according to our records? Any doubt should surely set the alarm bells ringing for a more detailed investigation of said prisoner’s circumstances etc.
As for identity ‘mix-ups’. Granted, people do bear the same names but as we all have different characteristics, especially facially (except maybe for identical twins), there’s no real excuse.
It all needs sorting out as a matter of urgency, perhaps it should be very near the top of the Government’s Christmas ‘things to do’ list.
But in the meantime, to those of you whose festive shopping trip I have just ruined, here’s one final message: B-e-h-i-n-d you…!
HAVING A GOLF BALL
I’ve always considered golf to be a very, very, boring game – until, that is, good old Tiger Woods wrapped his Cadillac round a fire hydrant, and loads of nubile young ladies (three at the last count) suddenly popped out of the woodwork to either confirm or deny being linked (that term covers a multitude of scenarios) with the oh-so-very-married golfer!
Blimey! It really must be a case of Tiger by name, tiger by nature (grrr!). And if it’s all true (ie he turns out to be not so squeaky clean after all), Tiger’s fitness level must be absolutely fantastic – I mean to think you have to train like that just to be a good golfer! No wonder it’s such a popular sport with loads of clubs everywhere.
Anyway, that’s why I’ve been brushing up on my golfing etiquette by reading this book, ‘The Good Golf Clubbers’ Guide To Course Language Vol Xl’.
Yes, it is pure fiction – but it’s amazing what you learn. For example did you know that when golfers tee off (that means hit the ball with a ‘driver’ while it’s on top of a tee – very technical) and shout ‘Fore’, it is actually to warn spectators that there’s going to be a spot of ‘foreplay’ on the fairway?! Birdies? – well, they’re what some golfers pick-up at various stages round the course. And the much-prized ‘hole in one’? – that’s something players aim to achieve after playing a round. Erm, I suppose I could ask someone like Tiger about that one!
Joking apart, at least he has had the golf balls to apologise to his wife and family – plus all and sundry for that matter – for ‘those transgressions’ as he put it, adding in a statement: “I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behaviour and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.”
Unfortunately, Tiger is still very much in the public’s eye, and he can count himself extremely lucky that his penalty, so far, is a £100 fine plus four points on his licence for careless driving.
I don’t know about you, but I have a gut feeling that this story is going to run … and run … and run. Grrr!
TOILET HUMOUR
Must have been a real bummer for those MPs who bothered to turn up to the House of Commons on Tuesday to find they had been plunged into crisis. No, not a matter of national importance – much more serious than that. A toilet roll shortage
Now, how would our elite politicians solve this one? Hmmm, how about sending staff over to Tesco’s, opposite Parliament, to buy anything vaguely absorbant – even Value bog rolls when you’re that desperate? – very, very, quickly. Definitely a matter of extreme urgency for our soft tissue-cosseted (unconfirmed) MPs, who really have been caught short here!
Anyway, once stocks had been replenished, relieved politicians quickly got to the bottom of the problem, finding out from suppliers KGB (no not the Russian one!) that there had been ’an issue with supplies’. It would all be sorted out as soon as possible, added the company.
And true to KGB’s words, it was! Phew, that was a close call…
PAY UP POMPEY
Rooted to the bottom of the Premiership, players not being paid on time, a drubbing from Manyoo last Saturday and an embarrassing cup exit to Aston Villa on Tuesday – not to mention the seemingly skint Arab businessmen who now ‘own’ the club plus an embarrassing FA embargo on strengthening the squad because of financial difficulties.
That, in a nutshell, sums up Portsmouth Football Club, which has become the laughing stock of the sporting world.
Mind you, laughing is firmly off the agenda for players and supporters alike, who are deliberately being kept in the dark over plans of any sort – short-term or long-term – while the club sinks slowly into oblivion.
It’s time for owner Ali Al Faraj – who, after all, must have known the club’s situation when he bought it earlier this year – to fulfil his promise of stability.
Reveal your intentions, Mr Al Faraj – none of us are mind readers. Do you possess the necessary finances and – more to the point – do you care what happens to the club? Or are you playing a dangerous short-term property investment game?
Surprise us all with a statement – but above all, please keep away from Fratton Park for tomorrow’s must-win game against Burnley because under present circumstances your presence would neither be appropriate nor appreciated.
On that happy note – and to all and sundry – have a good weekend!
