So, it came as no surprise that after Prime Minister Gordon Brown (aka Gord), head held high in the face of protesters, marched into the Chilcot Inquiry via the front door last Friday (unlike his predecessor, who slunk in through the rear tradesmen’s entrance to give evidence), ‘dug’ himself a comfortable trench and ’stuck to his guns’, as it were.

The conflict was justified because Saddam Hussein was too great a threat for the world to ignore, although the resulting loss of life was ‘very sad indeed’, Mr Brown told the committee chaired by Sir John Chilcot.

Kit shortages were not down to him – military chiefs were to blame, insisted Mr Brown. And yes, the defence budget was slashed – but only to stop public finances spiralling out of control. It did not affect soldiers on the front line.

“Every single request for equipment had to be met and every request was met,” he added, pointing out that in 2006 on learning Snatch Land Rovers were considered too flimsy, the Treasury gave £90 billion for replacement armoured vehicles.

And erm, that basically sums up Mr Brown’s seemingly unremarkable evidence, regarding the defence budget cuts furore. However, not so unremarkable – but highly questionable, indeed – according to military chiefs, who have got the PM firmly in their gunsights.

“I am quite staggered by the lack of any responsibility. He was the man with the purse strings,” said Colonel Stuart Tootal, former commander 3rd Battalion Parachute Regiment, after Mr Brown’s inquiry grilling.

And Lord Guthrie, a former Chief of the Defence Staff, added: “He cannot get away with saying: ‘I gave them everything they asked for.’ That is simply disingenuous.”

His view was shared by another ex-Chief of the Defence Staff, Admiral Lord Boyce, who said: “He’s dissembling, he’s being disingenuous. It’s just not the case that the Ministry of Defence was given everything it needed.” 

Ooo-er – they don’t exactly mince their words, do they?! Anyway, plunging the final dagger – or should I say daggers – into Mr Brown’s back are Sir Bill Jeffrey, current Permanent Under Secretary of State at the Ministry of Defence and his predecessor Sir Kevin Tebbitt, who occupied the post from 1998 to 2005.

Giving evidence to the inquiry this week, both flatly contradicted the PM’s claims to have always supported troops.

Sir Bill maintained that Mr Brown forced the military to make cuts, leaving them ‘very stretched, indeed’ because he did not give them enough cash.

In recent years, he added, the MoD budget had been more than quite tight, saddling commanders with significant problems. “In successive years, we and our ministers have had to think hard what we could cut,” he said.

And Sir Kevin went straight for the jugular. Mr Brown, he said, ‘guillotined’ defence spending, leaving him to operate with a crisis budget.

So, there you have it. The Prime Minister with one account – immediately shot down in flames by words from the mouths of five top brass military/MoD officials.

Clearly, the stories present ‘a few fundamental differences’ (that’s putting it politely), so it’s little wonder that the Tories have written to Sir John Chilcot asking him to recall Gord to the inquiry for an explanation.

Magic! Can’t wait!

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

Meanwhile, Gord’s French counterpart, the diminutive Nicolas Sarkozy (5ft 5ins – for goodness sake don’t mention that he’s one inch shorter than Napoleon Bonaparte!) seems to be putting plenty of passion into his politics – not with his wife, 43-year-old Carla Bruni, if rumours are to be believed.

For the 55-year-old president and statuesque Carla are allegedly seeking comfort and, erm other things, in the arms of others – the former with his 40-year-old ecology minister Chantal Jouanno (a karate expert, incidentally, but at least she’s part of his government!) and the latter with prize-winning pop star Benjamin Biolay, who is six years her junior.

So, if that lot is true, there doesn’t seem much hope for their marriage. Although I just can’t help wondering how long it will take Chantal to give poor little ‘Sarko’ the chop and for Benjamin to start serenading a younger version – or versions, maybe – of Carla!

All will no doubt be made clear. . .

HOME AFFAIRS

. . .which is something Take That star Mark Owen (aka cheekie chappie) knows all about, having just told his wife, Emma, that he’s been cheating on her with no less than TEN women. Blimey – can that really be true? Where on earth does he find the time – and stamina, for that matter?!

Apparently, the 38-year-old star decided to ‘come clean’ with his wife – the pair married last October after a courtship of five years which resulted in two children: Elwood, three, and Willow Rose, one – when one of the alleged objects of his desire, 24-year-old accounts manager Neva Hanley, threatened to tell Emma about their five year affair. Priceless, eh!

Mark is reported to have said this week: “I have been an idiot (true!). It’s about me, my mistakes (yep!). Nobody else is to blame (agreed!). I have been living with the guilt (good!).

“It has always been there, you carry it around with you. It held me back in my relationship with Emma. I wouldn’t have done any of this if I had my time again.”

Well done, Mark. Well said – but haven’t you left it a tad too late after cheating TEN times?

Anyone fancy starting a book of odds on the chances on that marriage surviving?

On that happy note, have a great weekend.

So, hats off to former UKIP leader turned MEP Nigel Farage (aka Nige) for his offering, which certainly livened up proceedings in the European Parliament!

Audaciously describing new President of Europe Herman Van Rompuy as a bloke with ‘all the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk’, he effectively reminded all and sundry via free extensive media coverage that the UKIP – United Kingdom Independence Party to be precise – still exists and is a vaguely interesting political entity (to the great minority, that is)! Not bad, eh!

Anyway, continuing his attack on Mr Van Rompuy – who is Belgian by the way – ‘Naughty’ Nige said: “The question I want to ask is: Who are you? I can speak on behalf of the majority of British people in saying that we don’t know you, we don’t want you and the sooner you are put out to grass, the better.”

And here I expect Mr Van Rompuy, sitting across the chamber from his adversary, was thinking exactly the same! But now the dust has settled – and thanks to a bit of nifty work by journalists – the name ‘Nigel Farage’ is probably spinning round permanently in the poor man’s head!

Needless to say, neither President Van Rompuy nor President of the European Parliament  Jerzy Buzek (not to mention the rest of the motley bunch of MEPs) found Nige’s outburst very amusing – unlike the rest of us (or was it just me?) sitting at home chortling in front of the television!

Worse still, he was to find out that there’s no such thing as a ‘free advert’ for the UKIP. After refusing to tender his apologies, President Buzek slapped Nige’s wrists with a maximum £2,700 fine (that’s ten days’ pay as an MEP) and said he could not accept such ‘inappropriate, unparliamentary and insulting behaviour’. Ooooh, handbags!

And the response from Nige? Well, he’s somewhat unrepentant and says he is going to appeal. “Surely I am entitled to have a dig at a man representing 500 million people, who is paid more than the US President, and who has not been elected by us?” he declared.

An absolutely priceless episode that may not be quite over yet – but, alas, still not enough to make me vote for the UKIP!

 Sorry, Nige.

FOOTBAWLER

Oh how my heart bleeds for cheating soccer ace Ashley Cole – especially when he wails: “My life has been ruined,” in the direction of a reporter asking him about his separation from sultry other half, Cheryl.

Erm, actually, he didn’t put it quite so politely. “F**k off!” he is reported to have shouted. “Why doesn’t everyone just leave me alone. Just f**k off, my life has been ruined,” he added.

Poor lamb – hand me my handkerchief for heaven’s sake!  So, not only is he nursing a physical injury – a broken ankle sustained on the football pitch (no, Cheryl didn’t throw him down the stairs!) – it would appear that he feels spiritually wounded, too.

Now, expletives aside, if he had shouted out ‘Just f**k off, I have ruined my life’ (I being the key word), I might have a tad more time for the guy. For those words immediately indicate that, at the ripe old age of 29, he accepts total responsibility for his actions.

However, as it stands I’m left with a nagging doubt that Ashley – hiding, sorry I mean recuperating, at a sports clinic in Capbreton, near the French Riviera resort of Biarritz – may have joined the ‘it’s not my fault gang’: the not-so-innocent parties who blame everyone else but themselves for their demise. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

In essence, Ashley Cole is just another casualty in the world of sport, where fame and mega-bucks do the talking – and life, in general, is all too easy for so-called superstars. Just ask Tiger Woods and John Terry.

Role models? Yeah, right!

OUTFOXED

Foxes and chickens don’t mix. Fact of life. And as sure as eggs is eggs, it’s usually chickens that come off the worst in a confrontation – until last weekend, that is, when in Essex one young predator (no jokes about Essex foxes, please!) met his/her maker at the beaks of four fearless chickens, led by a dastardly cockerel named Dude (cool, eh!). And, yes, it was definitely a murder most fowl!

First on the scene was 43-year-old Michelle Cordon who keeps the chickens – Dude plus hens Izzy, Pongo and Pecky – in a coop at the Basildon home she shares with partner Gary Howell, 45, plus daughters Maddi, eight, and Ruby, 13.

“I was shocked. When I opened the door, the chickens came running out as happy as anything,” said Michelle.

“I went inside and the fox was laying there. I’ve never heard of anything like this before. It’s like revenge of the chickens.”

She added that a table in a corner of the coop had been overturned and was lying next to the fox’s head. One theory is that the table knocked out the fox leaving the animal an easy prey for the birds and their beaks. “It [the fox] had little blood marks on its legs. It had not been dead long,” said Michelle.

She continued: “The fox was not a cub but it was only a young one, and Dude and Izzy are big birds. It looks like the fox bit off more than he could chew this time.

“I reared Dude from a little chick and he has become very protective of the others. He thinks he is human and chases our dogs around the garden, pecking them.

“Now he is a murderer,” reflected Michelle.

Well, maybe he is in some people’s eyes, but I prefer to think of him as acting in self-defence. Dude by name, cool Dude by nature, if you like!

GORD ALMIGHTY

Well, folks, by the time you read this our illustrious Prime Minister, Gordon Brown (aka Gord), will have finished sweating it out – or maybe just sweating – in front of the Iraq Inquiry, chaired by Sir John Chilcot.

No doubt Gord will have explained the thought process behind a swingeing £1 billion defence budget cut as our troops laid their lives on the line in a war that most people never wanted in the first place.

It should make very interesting reading – something I will attempt to examine (rip to pieces, even!) in this column next week.

And while focusing on our leader, it’s good to learn that he – and, of course, the rest of the political gang that allegedly represents our best interests – is to be handed a £1,000 per annum pay rise, while many mere mortals in this country face pay freezes and job cuts.

Yes, in the wake of the MPs expenses scandal, the Senior Salaries Review Body – currently charged with ‘looking after’ (very apt phrase) their pay – has oh-so-sensitively approved the increase behind everyone’s back, as it were.

Infuriatingly, it is all legal, above board and automatically granted to MPs, as they no longer have the right to vote on their own pay – which in hindsight is just as well, because they would probably demand more!

 Justice? They’re havin’ a laugh – at our expense.

On that note, have a great weekend. And don’t let the political b*stards grind you down!

If, as seems inevitable, the Tories sweep to victory at the May 6 (N-o-o-o-o, don’t mention ‘the unmentionable date’ again) General Election, families can look forward to being informed how much their neighbours are spending on electricity bills. Wow, that’s a pretty radical move, eh! But why?

Well, Dave and his party reckon that householders will be more careful and use less energy when they find out a neighbour has forked out less for their quarterly electricity bill. Are you following the joined up thinking here? I didn’t think so – and nor am I!

“We need to apply gentle social pressure on people to bring down their energy use,” Dave said during a speech on how a Conservative government would give members of the public more say in running their communities.

“So, just as they’re doing in California, we will make each energy bill come with an illustration of how much energy people’s neighbours are using in comparison to their own usage, inspiring them to consume less in competition.”

Aaaah! California. So, this is already being tried out in America, eh. What a load of old cods – and even more reason not to adopt it in the UK!

At the very least, it sounds totally pointless. For example, if a family lived in a semi next door to opulent Buck House, would Her Maj actually douse a few chandelier-sized light clusters and stop watching the telly to compete with her neighbours and their modest quarterly electricity bill?! Erm, I don’t think so, Dave.

And would any householder in their right mind ever give an energy company permission to publish details of their bills to a neighbour in the first place? Erm, again, I don’t think so, Dave.

OK, last MP to leave the House, please put the milk bottles out – and remember to switch Dave off to save energy!

Now that does make sense. . .

BULLY FOR YOU, GORD?

So, is Gordon Brown (aka Gord) a bully and should chief executive of the National Bullying Helpline (NBH) Christine Pratt have revealed the organisation received a complaint against the PM, thus breaching her duty of confidentiality towards callers?

Well, I reckon the answer is no to both. In fact, it all smacks of a ‘hey there’s a General Election looming, lets dig up any old dirt’ campaign.

I mean, what numpty would ever jeopardise such an exalted position as Prime Minister by physically bullying a member (or members) of staff? It’s a bit like signing your own death warrant, really.  Also, like or loathe him, Gord vigorously denies any wrong-doing and is therefore innocent until proved guilty – and no recipient of his alleged bullying has so far crept out of the woodwork to maybe press charges.

And because Mrs Pratt has rightly or wrongly seen fit to bring the matter into the public domain, the identity of Gord’s alleged victim should now be revealed. That way, at least we could see who we are dealing with and form our own opinions.

One thing for sure, whether or not Mrs Pratt resigns from the NBH over the episode, real victims of bullying – of which there are many – will undoubtedly think twice about contacting this organisation that is meant to respect confidentiality and provide help.

Irreparable damage has been done – and the NBH now finds itself the subject of a Charity Commission inquiry.

BED TIME STORY

Naughty premier Silvio Berlusconi, is back in the news over his bedroom activities.

For the 73-year-old ‘Italian stallion’, as he has been described by some in tribute to his colourful life and alleged sexploits, has just purchased an antique four poster bed – complete with canopy, bronze fittings and eagle heads on the posts – once owned by his hero, none other than Napoleon Bonaparte!

Now I always thought Napoleon was a bit of a short a*se, but – having Googled his height – I am prepared to admit that at approximately 5ft 6in he was only about one inch shy of Berlusconi in stockinged feet.

So, there I was fretting over the length of said very expensive – ‘priceless’,  according to the stallion’s antiques expert friend Annamaria Quattrini – four poster, when Berlusconi himself was apparently extremely worried over its width (only designed for two side-by-side, presumably)!

 In fact, so worried was the PM that he asked for the bed to be widened! And at this point I was forced to ask myself: ‘Is the old chap piling on the inches round his girth, as sometimes happens in old age, or is there an ulterior motive’?

 Erm, suddenly, I felt a bit queezy!

 Have a great weekend.

Sitting at a beachside bar enjoying a drink in the hot Canarian sunshine, there was a sudden splutter emanating from a lobster-hued British gent reading a paper on my right, followed by an expletive plus the words: ‘Bl**dy Elliot Morley! Who does he think he is’?

Well, renowned for tact and diplomacy – especially while on holiday – I managed to resist asking ‘lobster man’ what his problem was. After all, my lager was infinitely more important than his little outburst!

But now, safely ensconced back in the cold, wet and miserable UK (yUcK would be more appropriate) I understand why my fellow holidaymaker was so perplexed.

Former Labour minister Elliot Morley – the MP for Scunthorpe whose website sports the catchy proclamation: “Elliot Morley – on your side”, the very same MP who is facing charges of stealing £30,000 in expenses (allegedly claimed for mortgage interest repayments on his second home in Winterton, Lincolnshire), and strangely enough the very same MP who has been suspended from the Labour Party – whingeing that it’s unfair to withhold his ‘golden goodbye’ payment until criminal proceedings have ended! What cheek!

Mr Morley said in an interview: “I think withholding the resettlement goes against national justice. “In effect it turns common law around, which judges me guilty until proven innocent. It is one of the ways I have not been treated fairly.

“What happens in the legal outcome is a matter of conjecture and would be for the House to decide. I would point out I have repaid in full and do not owe any money in relation to expenses.”

To cap it all, he plus fellow Labour Party ’suspendees’, MPs David Chayton and Jim Devine – also being prosecuted over their expense claims – have mounted a legal bid to avoid trial, claiming they are protected by the Bill of Rights which was established in 1689 to protect MPs’ rights to free speech in Parliament. How on earth can this Bill have any bearing on alleged expense claim irregularities (that is, unless MPs merely utter their claims verbally in the House – a procedure that would probably prove very popular)?!

Perhaps we’ll find out when Labour’s ‘Three Musketeers’ appear at the City of Westminster Magistrates Court on March 11 to answer the charges brought against them under the Theft Act. They will be joined in the dock by ‘the Tory One’, former frontbencher Lord Hanningfield, who has been indicted with false accounting over his expenses claims. The four vigorously deny all charges.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if the courts brought certain bleating MPs down a peg or two by ruling that all parliamentarians must obey the law of the land or face the consequences – just like the rest of us mere mortals?

LAMB CHOP HEAD ROLLS

Marcus the six-month-old lamb, lovingly reared by pupils at Lydd Primary School in Kent – then slaughtered, butchered into joints and raffled, to teach youngsters about the food chain and local economy (see Something For The Weekend 4) – seems to have exacted revenge on headteacher Andrea Charman, who has quit her job over the whole sorry episode.

Mrs Charman is reported to have told friends she has been bullied and victimised ever since Marcus got the chop – an act that reduced some youngsters to tears – and said she had even received threats of violence.

Many parents admitted that in general Mrs Charman had been a good head but insisted her position had become untenable over her handling of the lamb’s fate.

Forty-one-year-old Adele Grant said her daughter Liberty, ten, had been left psychologically traumatised and needed counselling after Marcus was slaughtered.

“My argument was never with her [Mrs Charman] as a headteacher. It was the way she handled things. What happened was disgusting and barbaric and unfair to children,” she added.

Former Tory leader Michael Howard, MP for Folkestone and Hythe, sprang to Mrs Charman’s defence, saying she felt compelled to stand down after ‘a campaign of vituperation’, and chairman of Lydd Primary School’s governors Geoff Marsh added: “This is a sad day for us but we wish her the very best for the future.”

Anyway, whatever personal views you may have on this type of ‘real life’ education, it all went horribly wrong for Mrs Charman, her pupils, their parents – and, of course, poor old Marcus.

HEIR IN A HAIR RIDDLE?

Does Prince William dye his hair – and do we really care, anyway?! Erm, personally, no – but I suppose someone might want to know out of curiosity.

And if you are that someone, who may have seen pictures of the Prince sporting thick black locks in Hello! magazine (it just had to be, didn’t it?), the answer is no, he doesn’t. It’s all done with mirrors – sorry, I mean digital trickery!

The photos were taken by former homeless man Jeff Hubbard, who was ‘rescued’ by the charity Crisis and is now in the process of getting his life back on track. Apparently the computer process he used to adjust the Prince’s skin tone, to make it look more natural, also darkened his thinning blond mop.

So there you have it – except it doesn’t quite explain why William’s hair seems to be, well . . . erm, how shall I put it . . . so much thicker!

Anyway, the photos were all put up for sale to raise cash for Crisis – and presumably that’s how Hello! magazine got hold of them. Hurrah!

Have a great weekend one and all.

 Now an Independent MP, Miss Short said he repeatedly lied to Parliament and members of the Cabinet in the run-up to the invasion and was prepared to use deception to secure backing for a war he had convinced himself was just.

 “I am not saying he was insincere, I think he was willing to be deceitful on this because he thought it was right,” she added.

 Miss Short also revealed that in September 2002, Mr Blair told her privately that he had not had any military briefings on Iraq. “I think now that is factually not true” she said.

 Other revelations included how Gordon Brown (aka Gord – then Chancellor of the Exchequer) appeared to cast aside his doubts about a war after settling personal differences with the Prime Minister and how information on the general situation was restricted to Mr Blair and his ‘mates’.  Any arising contentious issues were settled in ‘little chats’ with the Prime Minister and never discussed properly at Cabinet level, she added.

Interesting reading, eh? And plenty more to come, now that during proceedings in the House Gord’s been accused of ‘guillotining’ the defence budget months after the invasion of Iraq, affecting equipment, supplies etc – something he vehemently denies.

I expect he’ll be elaborating on that – and loads of other things – in the presence of Sir John Chilcot before the General Election takes place on May 6 (No! Don’t mention the date. Doh!).

Oh yes! And it seems Jack Straw will be back in the inquiry hot seat on Monday (February for a second round of questions. Look forward to it!

PLAYING AWAY

Isn’t sports news boring now that Tigrr Woods is safely ensconced in a ‘sex addiction clinic’ to give countless blonde young ladies (allegedly) a well-earned rest?!

In fact, firmly believing all our sporting heroes were behaving themselves (presumably concentrating on what they should be concentrating on), I’d almost fallen asleep – until Chelsea and England Captain John Terry woke me up, that is!

Blimey – allegedly having an affair with your best mate’s partner, who also happens to be your wife’s best friend. Now that takes some beating in the morality stakes, doesn’t it?

And as Terry’s wronged, bikini-clad wife, Toni, parades herself on a Dubai beach (no publicity, please!), a national newspaper alleges it was offered use of the star’s heavily subsidised 12-seater private box at Wembley – a perk as the England team skipper and strictly not for hire under terms – by a ‘go-between’ for £4,000 to watch next month’s friendly against Egypt.

Not surprisingly, this was later denied by a spokesman for the football star, who said the ‘go-between’ was acting on his own when he offered the box for hire – something that is not allowed.

Well, there you go then. I wonder just how much ammo Fabio Capello needs to strip Terry of his England captaincy? I expect we’ll be finding out ’ere long.

MONEY WALKS

Sixty-five million pounds? No, wait, sixty-five million pounds, one thousand, two-hundred and fifty pounds to be exact for an anorexic-looking bronze sculpture? Good grief, the world’s gone absolutely stark, raving bonkers!

Striking as it is in appearance, I did almost choke on my ham sandwich when I heard that L’Homme Qui March (Walking Man) by the late Swiss artist Alberto Giocometti had strolled off with the world record for the most dosh paid for any work of art at auction.

And how did the Walking Man become so thin? No, it’s nothing to do with diet! Incredibly Giocometti, who died in 1966, started off by creating sculptures the size of a pack of cigarettes. These became taller and erm, well . . . just grew thinner!

Anyway, just to put everything in proportion. Real Madrid paid £80 million for Footballing Man – yes, that’s right former Man U superstar Christiano Ronaldo!  But there again, I suppose he’s not so emaciated as Walking Man and can actually do something ‘useful’  – like kick a ball, for example!

SPAM, SPAM, SPAM

Spare a thought for our brave troops from 2nd Battalion the Royal Welsh in Afghanistan, not only for facing daily conflict with the Taliban – but also for surviving a 42-day Spam diet, after a civilian helicopter carrying stock gastronomic delights, such as beefburgers, chicken, sausages plus fish and chips, was shot down!

Not that there’s anything wrong with the fabled product, made famous most recently in Monty Python sketches. But might it not get just a little bit boring (dare I say monotonous) over 42 days for, well, you and me – in fact, everyone back here in good old Blighty not having to chomp on it in one form or another, day in day out?!

Well, one person who can tell you is Army chef 26-year-old Corporal Liam Francis, of the Royal Logistics Corp who had to diffuse the situation by designing a highly imaginative (but very Spammy) daily menu, until fresh supplies arrived.

“I was surprised what we could do – Sweet and sour Spam, Spam fritters, Spam carbonara (yum, yum!), Spam stroganoff and Spam stir fry,” he said.

However, Corporal Francis admitted that troops were relieved when fresh supplies eventually arrived. “The first day off Spam I prepared battered sausages, chips and curry sauce. The sergeant major said it was the best meal he had ever had,” he said.

Erm, well after 42 days of Spam it probably was! In the meantime, I expect the rest of the battalion have got over their Spam withdrawal symptoms and are hopefully back on a more varied diet. After all, an army marches on its stomach as the saying goes!

Have a great weekend.

His long overdue appearance – which, incidentally is expected to lumber taxpayers with a £250,000 security bill – comes at the end of a week during which Sir Michael Wood (then the Foreign Office’s legal adviser) said he warned ministers, including our Tone and Jack Straw (then Foreign Secretary), time and time again that without the approval of a UN Security Council resolution war with Iraq would constitute a ‘crime of aggression’ in international law.

And that was not just Sir Michael’s opinion – it was apparently the view of every senior legal adviser in the Foreign Office. So, how on earth can our Tone – and his cronies, for that matter – justify his/their action/s in light of this damning evidence? Something to look forward to, eh!

Oh yes, neither must we forget the demise of UN weapons inspector Dr David Kelly, found dead in mysterious circumstances only days after being named as the source of a BBC story claiming evidence against Iraq had been sexed up to justify military action.

A subsequent inquiry (note: no inquest, where facts would be made public) chaired by Lord Hutton, concluded that Dr Kelly committed suicide. However, the very nature of the method he allegedly used to kill himself – cutting the ulnar artery in his left wrist with a blunt garden knife after taking painkillers – immediately sparked an outcry among the medical profession.

“It’s very difficult to commit suicide by cutting the ulnar artery, and it is extremely unlikely that he could have lost two-and-a-half pints of blood that way,” said Dr Michael Powers QC, one of 13 doctors campaigning to overturn Lord Hutton’s findings and force an inquest.

He faced an uphill struggle earlier this week  (on Monday), when it emerged that Lord Hutton had imposed a 70-year gagging order on vital evidence, including the post mortem results, immediately after the inquiry. Even more bizarrely, no-one seemed to have been aware of the order until now.

“The surprising thing to me is that if this report supports the conclusion that the medical cause of death was suicide, why does it need to be locked up for 70 years? asked Dr Powers.

“If it supports other means of death, then why wasn’t this evidence investigated by the Hutton inquiry?”

A very good point – and one that the Iraq Inquiry should home in on as a matter of urgency. A few pertinent questions aimed in the right direction could soon put an end to all speculation.

However,  in a dramatic move on Tuesday Lord Hutton agreed to make medical records – including post mortem papers – of Dr Kelly’s death available to the group of 13 doctors and their legal advisers, but insisted the 70-year public ban remained in place to protect family members from  ‘further and unnecessary distress’.

Dr Powers, a former assistant coroner, welcomed the news cautiously. “We are delighted with this new information, but we want assurance that we are going to see everything and not just selected records. None of us are in the least bit interested in making anything public that can cause distress to the family,” he said.

“If as a consequence of what we find we continue to have concerns, then it will be necessary for us to seek a new inquest by means of legal process.

“Details relevant to the cause of death could then be discussed in court, but if they are not relevant then they will not,” concluded Dr Powers.

 One thing is certain, though. In the meantime – until Sir John or a member of his committee takes the initiative to break down the secrecy barrier erected by Lord Hutton – no ordinary member of the public can be expected to believe 100 per cent that Dr Kelly did take his own life. There will always be suspicion that he became an unwilling and unwitting victim of the Iraq War.

Justified secrecy? I think not.

FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE

Bumped into Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth (aka Big Bob) in the pub the other day and thought I’d attempt to have a civilised chat with him over a pint.

Me: “Fancy a pint, Bob?”

Big Bob: “Why? Is it May 6 already?”

Me: “You what? How about a pint of lager, then?”

BB: “Only if they’ve got Kronenbourg May 6 1664.”

Me:  “OK Big Bob – you’re in luck! Cheers! Don’t suppose you know the date of the General Election, do you?”

BB: “Nah! Gord won’t tell anyone.”

Me: “Well, what’s all this May 6 malarkey then, big man?”

BB: “May 6? Oh, that’s when I start my treatment for ‘foot in mouth’!”

 Doh!

CHEAP NOVEL TWIST

Martin Amis may be a great novelist but he appears to have completely lost the plot after advocating that ‘euthanasia booths’ should be established on street corners – so that the elderly can do away with themselves to prevent what he describes as an ageing population placing an impossible burden on society.

Well, that’s very caring and thoughtful of you Martin now that you have reached the grand old age of 60. But what prompted you to come out with such a controversial and odious idea in the first place?

Ah! Could it be because there’s a new book in the offing? ‘The Pregnant Widow’? Out next month? Oh yes, now we all get your drift! Call me a cynic, but it’s a sure-fire way of gaining a bit of free national publicity, isn’t it? Well done (not)! 

Or as Alistair Thompson, of the anti-euthanasia group Care Not Killing put it: “There is a very nasty smell about using this to promote a book.

“There is a very nasty smell that someone as high profile as Martin Amis could actually make such a ludicrous proposal,” he added.

And so say all of us – a good novelist does not need to resort to such base shock tactics for the sake of cheap publicity.

 PC MAD

How abso-bl**dy-lutely ridiculous! Apparently adverts seeking to fill staff vacancies must not include the words ‘reliable’ or ‘hardworking’ – just in case it upsets, erm … unreliable slackers – well, they are the only ones that might be offended, aren’t they?!

That’s what recruitment agency boss Nicole Mamo was told when she phoned up the Jobcentre in Thetford, Norfolk, to check that her online advert for a £5.80 per hour hospital domestic cleaner was all ‘shipshape and PC fashion’.

“In my 15 years in recruitment I haven’t heard anything so ridiculous,” said Mrs Mamo, who runs Devonwood Recruitment. “If the matter wasn’t so serious I would be laughing out loud.

“Unfortunately, it’s extremely alarming. I need people who are hardworking and reliable – and I’m pleased to discriminate in that way. If they’re not, I really can’t use them.

“Even the woman at the jobcentre agreed it was ridiculous but explained it was policy because they could get sued for being discriminatory against unreliable people.”

A spokesman for the Equality and Human Rights Commission said: “This is in no way in breach of any discrimination law. Mrs Mamo should consider very unreliable any advice that she may have received implying that this aspect of her advert was discriminatory.”

So, take note Thetford Jobcentre!

Oh, well, to all you ‘unreliable slackers’ out there, cheers for now – and have a great weekend!

Yep, good old Tigrr apparently checked into the Pine Grove Behavioural Health and Addiction Services clinic in the remote town of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, on December 30, to undertake a six-week ‘Gentle Path’ treatment programme.

Ah! Well, that explains why he’s been out of the news lately. But did he go there of his own accord – or was he pushed? Well, what do you think? Yes, he was pushed, of course – pushed by his long-suffering wife Elin, allegedly in a trade-off to keep the floundering marriage just about alive for the sake of the couple’s two children, daughter Sam Alexis, two, and son Charlie Axel, six months. Apparently, had Tigrr not agreed to this course of action, Elin may have decided to take the youngsters back to Sweden.

But hang on a mo, I wonder what this so-called ‘Gentle Path’ programme might consist of for a ‘squeaky clean’ golfing superstar, suddenly exposed as a serial adulterer with links to at least ten women! Electric shocks in sensitive areas? Or a bit of ‘Bobbit’ surgery, perhaps?!

Well, not quite. During his six-week stint, Tigrr will undergo psychiatric consultation, behavioural therapy, trauma work (erm, why does he need trauma work?) and something called ‘relapse prevention counselling’ (probably a verbal warning, like ‘put that blonde down immediately’, coupled with a massive electric jolt)!

Anyway, it’s not all bad news. For example, Tigrr can opt to take part in art classes (female nude studies? Doh!), plus exercise and fitness regimes. Mind you, this is balanced with ‘shame reduction’ work, a grief group plus a spirituality group (yee ha – three corkers there, eh!), and – the final nail in the coffin – yoga! Now if that was me being subjected to all that, I’d have already taken the easy way out by swallowing my No 2 iron!

But Tigrr is not in such a fortunate position. His £37,000 bill for the course includes a top treat, if ever there was one: family week when his ‘just about’ wife will join in with his therapy sessions – and listen intently as her naughty hubby is forced to admit each of his sexual dalliances in detail on ‘Disclosure Day’! Will one day be even be enough, I ask myself?!

We’ll all just have to sit back and wait to see how Tigrr copes with this incredible treatment regime. I just hope he takes his six-week vow of celibacy – a standard agreement he would have had to sign on entering the clinic – seriously. Always a good starting point – especially in Tigrr’s case!

I expect he’s already counting the days, hours, minutes and seconds to his departure – and hopefully a triumphant return to to the professional golf clubbing circuit later this year.

S-I-X weeks? Blimey, that’s a long, long time…

SCARY SIGHTS

How bizarre is this: British soldiers fighting in Afghanistan using weapons with gunsights inscribed with a Biblical message?

Purchased by the Ministry of Defence (MoD) this week for use against the Taliban, the sights for the Sharpshooter assault rifle are etched with ‘JN8:12’ – a specific reference to St John’s Gospel, chapter 8, verse 12, which states: “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said: ‘I am the light of the world, Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life’.”

Naturally this has sparked just a tad of controversy, with LibDem defence spokesman Willie Rennie pointing out: “It’s pretty shoddy that the MoD missed this.

“It may be used by some of our enemies as evidence to convince its followers that we are engaged in a religious war between Christianity and Islam.”

And how right he is. But, irrespective of religious views, who on earth would think of etching such an inscription on a weapon of war?

Well, that’s an easy question to answer isn’t it?! Erm, how about an arms company in the jolly old US of A called Trijicon, founded by – strangely enough – a devout Christian. Need I say more?

Anyway, the MoD has played down any implications. “Our priority is to buy the best-performing equipment available on the market,” said a spokesman.

While the official line from Trijicon is: “It’s not something we make a big deal out of. But when asked, we say: ‘Yes, it’s there’.”

Quite – but should it be?

 VEGGIE FRIGHT

All over the country there are undoubtedly loads of worried children who have just read about a brand new vegetable that parents might try shoving down their throats! Worse still, it’s a cross between a sprout and curly kale! Aaargh (I’m only writing what you are thinking)!

Yes indeedy, the ‘flower sprout’, as it is known, may look a bit like a purple and green triffid (well, it does in the picture I’ve seen), but – children aside – I reckon it’s destined to be a sure-fire hit with adult veggie connoisseurs.

For a start, it’s the first new vegetable to be made available to consumers since tenderstem broccoli in 2002 and secondly it’s hitting the shelves at Marks and (only the best, you know) Spencer! Read into that what you will – but guess where members of this family do not go food shopping very often!

Anyway, described as tasting similar to sprouts (the words ‘oh, dear’ spring to mind, here!) and developed for M&S by British growers, it is due to go on sale at stores on Monday. And apparently it is best eaten steamed or stir fried, thus optimising all the B vitamins, folate and iron it contains. Not much anyone can say about that, except it sounds ‘quite good for you’!

The final word goes to farmer Martin Haines, who is growing the new crop in Chipping Camden, Gloucestershire. “We are so excited. I think our other sprouts are green with envy.”

Erm, right Martin – can we forget about the sprout influence, please?! I think I’ll put my focus on a pint of blueberry juice which, according to researchers at the University of Cincinnati, could help memory loss.

Now, what was all that about a new vegetable…?!

U-TURN

Ah ha! So Gordon Brown is willing to appear before the Iraq Inquiry ahead of the General Election, after all! Amazing what a bit of pressure can do, isn’t it – and all in the wake of Jack Straw saying he warned Tony Blair that invading Iraq to topple Saddam Hussein would be illegal!

Good old Gord now says he will be happy to give evidence ‘at any time’, but only in his capacity as Chancellor up to 2007 – ruling out controversial issues like the withdrawal from Basra and his performance as Prime Minister.

Oh, well – not long until ‘our Tone reveals all’, I suppose.

 On that happy note, cheers for now and have a great weekend.

 Spin is a true art. Its definition is open to interpretation, but I have always regarded it as manipulation: sift through given facts, pick out the ones that suit your cause/argument, emphasise them – and play down the rest. Bingo! You suddenly find you have ‘spun’ a pretty plausible case to back your cause or argument. I don’t think I need to elaborate further.

 So, where does the Iraq Inquiry finds itself this week? Oh yes, asking Campbell loads of questions about the contents of a so-called ‘dodgy dossier’ regarding Saddam Hussein’s nuclear weapons programme – those fabled ‘weapons of mass distruction’ that never were.

 Would this country still have gone to war alongside our ‘best buddies’ from across the Atlantic without this dossier; was the ‘evidence’ it contained deliberately ‘sexed up’ as has been alleged; is Campbell engaged in an ‘old pals act’ with Tony Blair (aka ‘our Tone’), before the former premier is grilled – not literally, but we live in hope – by Sir John Chilcot; will anyone ever face war crime charges over the conflict, deemed illegal by some 80 per cent of the UK population?

 And more importantly: Will we ever find out the truth?

 One thing for certain is that the silver-tongued Campbell categorically denies putting any spin on the Iraq weapons dossier, pointing out that the man who signed off the discredited file in September 2002 was none other than Sir John Scarlett, chairman of the Joint Intelligence Committee.

 But hang on a moment. What’s all this about Campbell’s diaries which apparently show he bombarded Sir John with suggestions on how to ‘improve’ said dossier?

 Erm, sorry, but something doesn’t quite add up here, does it? I mean, assuming a dossier on something as important as Iraq’s nuclear weapons programme has been truthfully compiled using facts gathered from reliable intelligence sources, how can you possibly ‘improve’  on that?

 This inquiry is all questions, questions, questions – and not many useful answers. Mind you, I know a man who’s just champing at the bit to reveal all – as long as it shows him in a good light, that is. In fact, I’m sure that ‘our Tone’ can’t wait for his big day out at the inquiry – and I expect he knows that we can’t wait either!

 CAPTIVE GUESTS

Ever wondered what life is (or, in some cases, was) like for patients – Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe, Moors Murderer Ian Brady plus gangsters Ronnie Kray and Charles Bronson to name but a few – inside Broadmoor, the high security psychiatric hospital near Crowthorne in Berkshire?

If the answer is yes, then your luck could be in. And you won’t have to pretend to be a dangerous ‘head case’ to spend a night or two there, either.

For it has been widely reported that West London Mental NHS Trust wants to sell the 360 acre site occupied by the Grade ll listed Victorian buildings, to fund a new £43 million 266-bed hospital it plans to build nearby (projected opening 2016) – leaving the way clear for Broadmoor to take on a new role. And depending on planning consent, one of these could be as a hotel.

Furthermore, the establishment – which opened as a lunatic asylum in 1863 – already has a multi-million pound gym and swimming pool for its patients who live a life of luxury at an estimated cost to the taxpayer of £600 per day.

Six hundred quid a day? Blimey, that’s daylight robbery! Hopefully, if this hotel transformation ever happens – and according to a West London Mental NHS Trust spokesman it is only one of the options available – the daily tariff will take a considerable nosedive!

I can just imagine the blurb, advertising breaks: lie back and relax in the luxurious Dungeon Suite at Broadmoor Towers, enjoy a drink at the bar behind bars before adjourning to the massive communal dining hall for a sumptuous dinner chosen from the a la carte menu! Magic – captivating, even (but I reckon slopping out time first thing in the morning could be absolute murder)!

Advanced bookings, anyone?

 ELECTRIC POWER

Pssst! Wanna earn mega-bucks? Then head for Birmingham and work for the city council, where one electrician took home a whopping annual pay packet of £124,000, including bonuses and overtime – more than some Government ministers!

Details of his pay was revealed by the council in documents for 2006/7, which also showed that 58 other employees – including binmen, gardeners and gravediggers – received bonuses of up to £20,000 each.

Now other council employees – namely women cleaners, care workers and lollipop ladies – are up in arms. They insist they should have been included in the bonus scheme and are actively seeking compensation.

And furious city taxpayers and campaign groups point out that manual labourers working for the council – Britain’s largest local authority – could soon become millionaires.

“These are mind-boggling sums. Refuse workers in Birmingham are getting paid more than many solicitors and social workers,” said lawyer Stefan Cross, who is fighting a case against the council over its pay policies.

 Other revelations from the documents – originally for a Birmingham industrial tribunal to illustrate how council workers were able to inflate pay with bonuses, allowances and overtime – included a refuse lorry driver on £50,917 including £24,000 in bonuses and performance-related payments), binmen earning up to £46,000 per annum and a traffic light repairman who took home the princely sum of £81,940.

 Gordon Bennett, I think we’ve all missed our vocations!

 CRIME CRACKER

Put police officers in the middle of crime hotspots to deter criminals. Now there’s a novel idea if ever there was one!

 Erm, isn’t that basically the whole idea of policing, anyway. The saying “prevention is better than cure” tends to leap out at you, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this strategy is apparently going to be adopted for a 12-month study of Greater Manchester areas renowned for high violent crime rates, and will be monitored by boffins at Cambridge University.

Instead of officers covering long distances during a shift, the plan is for them to spend periods stationed in an area of 100ft radius where there is a history of crime – a method (dubbed micro-policing) that experiment leader Cambridge criminologist Professor Lawrence Sherman says cut crime in Minneapolis, USA, hotspots by two thirds in the 1980s.

“For the first time we are saying ‘go to this street corner and stay there for twelve and a half minutes’. It has never been obvious that policing needs to be that local,” he said in an interview. Interesting, eh? But I’m not sure how it actually works after the twelve and a half minutes expires! 

Anyway, all I can do is wish the Greater Manchester Police good luck – and advise all you northern crims to abandon your wayward lives. If not, you’re in for a tricky 12 months with police officers round every corner (for twelve and a half minutes, anyway)!

 Evenin’ all – and have a great weekend, whatever you get up to!

No, ’fraid not! I’m out on the beat with PC Nick Presto (must try not to shout out ‘hey, Presto’, just to catch his attention!) who’s ‘doing his bit’ in the fight against crime by practising his newly acquired hypnotism skills on passers-by – and any passer-by will do! Just gaze into his eyes and you’ll soon be feeling incredibly guilty. Guilty of, well….anything, really – any offence he says you’re guilty of, in fact! Very good for crime-solving figures, though!

What’s all this hypnotism malarkey, you may ask? Well, PC Presto has just been on a hypnotism course. It was (allegedly) a bit like the one due to be staged in Chester in the summer by American celebrity hypnotherapist Tom Silver, a regular guest on TV chat shows – and pioneer of the ever-so-funny-ha-ha  ‘orgasmic handshake’ trick in which he mesmerises a woman into believing she is enjoying an orgasm every time she shakes hands with a man. I don’t think I need comment further on that!

But don’t be too alarmed, because by now I’m sure you’ve twigged that PC Nick Presto is not a real person and the scenario is pure fiction – but the rest is true. The hypnotherapy course is the brainchild of PC Mark Hughes, an investigative skills trainer with Cheshire Constabulary, and officers will be able to attend a free one-day taster session at Chester University before deciding whether or not to sign-up for the £1,500 real McCoy from June 21 to 26.

 Apart from watching hypnotherapy sessions, they will be given an introduction into electroencephalography, the study of electrical activity in the brain by using sensors placed on the scalp.

“Putting people in a receptive brainwave state makes it likelier that the truth would come out,” PC Hughes is reported as saying in the force’s official magazine, Police Review.

“Forensic hypnosis does not prove guilt but it can give new lines of inquiry when traditional methods have failed. For me it is the next logical step for investigators to take, It is the next frontier,” he added.

Erm, excuse me but isn’t the definition of hypnosis, to quote the Pocket Oxford Dictionary: ‘a state like sleep in which the subject acts only on external suggestions’? And doesn’t that imply that ‘the subject’ could be made to do or say anything? Well, that sounds like an extremely dangerous and unethical path for the police to tread – one that’s definitely open to abuse.

Former assistant chief constable of West Yorkshire Police David Pickover – Police Review’s legal editor – said: “Evidence obtained under hypnosis would unquestionably be intensively examined by courts and viewed with extreme caution.

“It is difficult to imagine circumstances where hypnotism is sensible or necessary, but there is nothing to prevent officers from suggesting it to witnesses,” he added.

Cheshire Constabulary quickly distanced itself from the views of PC Hughes. “Cheshire Constabulary do not utilise any for of hypnosis techniques. The views expressed in the Police Review are the personal views of PC Mark Hughes and not the view of the Cheshire Constabulary. Furthermore, the training is not funded by Cheshire Constabulary,” said a spokesman.

That’s all very well, but I wonder how many officers will sign up for Mr Silver’s course and if hypnosis will ever become standard practice within policing. I sincerely hope not – but stranger things have been known to happen.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ll all agree that the only fail-safe way to ‘keep your nose clean’ after June 26 is to avoid gazing into a police officer’s eyes for longer than necessary.

Might be worth remembering that – or you could be in for an arresting experience!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

I’m sure Tesco’s, Sainsbury’s, Asda and the like are just itching to wish the Reverend Tim Jones, Vicar of St Lawrence and St Hilda in York a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

For Mr Jones is the Anglican priest who told his congregation in a Sunday sermon that shoplifting/stealing from successful shops/stores by the poor – with specific reference to food – was preferable to burglary, robbery or prostitution.

Furthermore, the somewhat misguided (but probably equally well-meaning) Mr Jones said that any such act of stealing would not contravene the Eighth Commandment, which is – funnily enough – ‘thou shalt not steal’. Now how on earth does a man of the cloth work that one out?

Anyway, ten out of ten for taking the stance of a modern day Christian Robin Hood – but robbin’ it still is, meaning that not only does it break the Eighth Commandment but it is a criminal offence carrying a fine or even imprisonment.

Hopefully my ghastly vision of countless ‘hungry poor people’, all nabbed for shoplifting in the run-up to Christmas, telling magistrates: “I only did it because the vicar said it was OK,” will not come to pass!

Mr Jones’ sermon also landed him in hot water with the police and Tory MP for the Vale of York Anne McIntosh. She said in an interview: “I cannot condone inciting anyone to commit a criminal offence.

“Shoplifting is a crime against the whole local community and society,” she stressed.

 A spokesman for North Yorkshire Police said: “First and foremost, shoplifting is a criminal offence and to justify this course of action under any circumstances is highly irresponsible.

 “Turning or returning to crime will only make matters worse – that is a guarantee.”

And what does the Church think? Well, the Archdeacon of York, the Venerable Richard Seed, put it like this: “The Church of England does not advise anyone to shoplift or break the law in any way.

“Father Tim Jones is raising important issues about the difficulties people face when benefits are not forthcoming, but shoplifting is not the way to overcome these difficulties.

“There are many organisations and charities working with people in need – and the Citizens’ Advice Bureau is a good first place to call.”

Hallelujah to that piece of commonsense advice! I just hope it hasn’t come too late for some of Mr Jones’ congregation.

On that happy note, farewell. Have a great Christmas and see you in the New Year.

Yes, that conference has a lot to answer for because by the time you read this, the country (England, anyway) will probably be paralysed by massive snow drifts – or half a millimetre of the white stuff. Take your pick, we all know that depth doesn’t matter – the effect is still the same: total transport chaos!

Ah, so this is global warming? Well, excuse me while a put another layer on and burn some more furniture on the woodburning stove! I always understood that the world’s weather pattern changes over time – irrespective of how man with a capital ‘M’ behaves on the planet – and there ain’t much anyone can do about it.

Mind you, the whole emotive subject is a great excuse for this ‘Christmas party’ in Denmark at which each pontificating leader seemingly tries to outdo the other with words amounting to: ‘We’re better at saving the planet than you, so there’! If the situation is so serious and we are in the midst of a manmade crisis, why can’t America and China just grow up and blaze a trail for the rest of the world to follow regarding reduced carbon emissions? And why are we all (well, most of us) still oil-reliant – oil for heating/generating electricity, petrol and diesel in vehicles etc – instead of swiftly swapping to a cheap viable green alternative? I expect various governments and oil companies would soon come up with a very good (ker-ching) answer to that one!

So, here we all are in the grips of an icy global pantomime farce. Every regime knows how to reduce carbon emissions but they sure as hell aren’t very good at implementing any worthwhile measures. Meanwhile, the future is portrayed as gloom and doom: melting ice caps, a big hole in the ozone layer, rising sea levels, unpredictable weather etc, etc. Just don’t forget that it’s merely another episode in the history of this planet – one that would probably have happened anyway! 

Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen conference? Nah – just a lot of hot air. Hang on a minute, isn’t that where we came in? Doh!

BIRDIE WATCH

Amazing! Elin Woods, wife of the Tigrrr, has reportedly hired a divorce lawyer. What on earth kept her so long – and does she really need one anyway?!

Tigrrr has already admitted his ‘transgressions’ and, if a divorce does go ahead, hopefully he will ensure that Elin and the children want for nothing. They are the innocent parties after all.

Anyway, I must just include a little resumé (any excuse!) of this week’s action. Alleged mistress number 11 (blimey!) Cori Rist, 33, a New York model with a seven-year-old son, said she thought she was the only woman in Tigrrr’s life when he told her his marriage was on the rocks – until, that is, she caught him secretly sending text messages to another mistress while he was in bed with her!

If I was Cori, I know exactly what I’d have done with that phone!

And now there’s the little matter of Theresa Rogers’ claim that Tigrrr is the father of her six-year-old daughter. In fact 48-year-old Ms Rogers has engaged a lawyer to represent her in talks with the golfer’s representatives as she pursues a £2 million ‘hush money’ payout.

Things don’t seem to be getting much better for Tigrrr do they? – but, of course, that’s just par for the course!

ICE ONE

I’ve just found this year’s must have Christmas present (hint, hint!) – a bit of a controversial choice really, as it’s earned a ‘bad taste’ tag in one quarter.

It’s called the Gin And Titonic (subtle, eh!) Ice Tray. Just fill it up with H20, bung it in the freezer for a while and, hey presto, out comes an ice model of the RMS Titanic. Brilliant!

Then all you have to do is whack it in your G & T – and wait for it to sink (or melt, whichever comes first). But apparently, if you’re quick and blessed with really good eyesight, you can actually see tiny little scale models of Kate Winslet, arms outstretched on the bow with Leonardo DiCaprio – plus a  band playing on the deck – as The Titonic smashes into your slice of lemon! Great, eh – a bit of fun, and a novel talking point if ever there was one.

Erm, did I say fun? Well, not according to secretary of the Merchant Navy Association Tim Branch, who says: “It’s a bit of a sick idea and it is distasteful to the people who suffered (Titanic sank on her maiden voyage in 1912 with the loss of 1,522 lives) and their families.”

Oh dear, I can see his point but hey, one has to remember that this product is nothing more than a novelty ice tray.

It is ‘functional and fun’ stressed a spokesman for American Manufacturers Fred And Friends.

Anyway, regardless of controversy, cheers everybody. Whoops, there she goes again – and how cool is that?!

EURO BAWLS

Bingo halls could soon be reverberating to the sound of new number-calling if politically correct Eurocrats have their wicked way.

Gone will be cries, such as two fat ladies (88), old age pension (65) and overweight (28), under utterly pointless guidelines on ‘gender neutral language’, issued by bureaucratic MEPs in Brussels who must have nothing better to do.

‘Non-gender-specific titles’ is the buzz phrase (I have another suitable one) used by these buffoons, which effectively bans the use of Miss and Mrs – even if one happens to be addressing a Miss or a Mrs.

Tory MEP for Scotland Struan Stevenson admitted that many decisions coming from Europe were ‘absolutely laughable’, adding: “We are no longer allowed to address our female colleagues as Miss or Mrs because it implies their marital status.

“I can see this PC madness reaching bingo halls, where they still enjoy a little bit of fun and banter.

“These people [the MEPs responsible for the guidelines] should go and get a life, rather than try to make our everyday existence a misery.”

And so say all of us – including more than 2,500 bingo fans, who are supporting an internet initiative to protect players from being forced to use the PC language, plus founder of the Plain English Campaign Chrissie Maher.

Rob Hutchison, of OnlineBingoClub.co.uk, said callers used the number 88 nickname ‘because it looks like two fat women’.

“It’s worth sticking up for before we get some diktat from Brussels saying it’s derogatory to overweight customers,” he added.

“At the end of the day, fat is fat. What’s the alternative? Two generously proportioned people of either gender? It’s not very snappy.”

Indeed it’s not, Rob – and I can see some horrendous problems when it comes to alternative descriptions of other cries under threat: dirty knees (33) and legs eleven (11) to name but two. 

All I can say is ‘up the bingo revolution’ and down with the Brussels Eurocrats. Let’s send them all on a one-way train ticket down ‘the Brighton line’ (9)!

Have a great weekend – and don’t study the footbal scores too closely (Portsmouth v Liverpool)!