It’s difficult to tell what exactly 9 wants to be. It has ‘cute’, miniature characters made from cloth sacking and mannequin parts. It has a post-apocalyptic setting. It has some loosely adult themes and some over the top action sequences. It mixes science, magic, religion and politics, and examines the human condition by distilling it into its distinct parts. And yet it manages to be entirely unoriginal, underwritten, frustrating, clichéd, patronising and Lazy. With a capital L.

In a world ravaged by a war between Man and Machine, the scientist who made the first mechanical brain behind the conflict separates his soul into nine parts. He gives each part to a little figurine which he has made. He is also the Last Human Alive, but dies when his soul is split. The 9th figurine (called 9, and voiced by Elijah Wood) awakens in his master’s crumbling house, finds him dead, and has to go out into the desolate wasteland and find the others like him. At least, that it my understanding of the plot. There is also a talisman which can capture souls from the figurines, as well as being able to release them, allowing them to ascend to…well, heaven presumably. The film itself does not seem to know what is going on half of the time.

 

9’s characters are, by merit of their singular human traits, complete stereotypes. There is the strong, stupid soldier, the authoritarian old man, the doddering but harmless granddad-type, the feisty female, the cowardly sidekick and of course the courageous hero. The line-up is finished off by two mute scholars and a brain-damaged, child-like, doodling prophesier. This idiot savant figurine wears a key around his neck. It swings and clanks with the suggestion of significance. Perhaps it will literally be the key to their salvation? Nope. Irritatingly the key turns out to be irrelevant and the doodlings inconsequential. This lack of cohesion, meaning and consequence prevails throughout the film, and you will find it virtually impossible to care about any of the characters. This is not helped by the sparse dialogue. When the characters do speak, they appear to be reading from an almanac of stock phrases. The script is will only be palatable to kids, but some of the action is sure to induce nightmares. 9 is a catalogue of poor choices, and as a result the voice actors seem as confused and uninspired as the audience is. Like the figurines, the plot appears to be stitched together; made from bits of older, better products.

9 also has about 27 climactic moments. As such, there is no pace, no tension and no sense that any real thought has gone into the script. It feels like something that has been designed by a committee. On a positive note, it looks OK and the sound is solid throughout. But instead of a proper conclusion, I am going to list the films/people/things which I thought it borrowed from whilst I was watching:

The Matrix, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Terminator, I Robot, WALL-E, A Bugs Life, Toy Story, War of the Worlds, The Borrowers, Mad Max, Pinocchio, Small Soldiers, Bagpuss, Tim Burton (who produced it), and many, many more. Feel free to add your own if you do see it. I realise that everything borrows from everything else, but rarely are the works of others copied so blatantly. I do not recommend 9 to anyone.