How to Watch a Movie

 Whether or not we’re always aware of it, most of us are in search of the perfect movie-watching experience. Here are some rules I’ve recently realised I adhere to pretty strictly…

The Hollywood Blockbuster (Avatar)

Go for an early performance at the nearest overpriced multiscreen, on an Orange Wednesday so everyone else is there too. With as many friends as possible, lots of popcorn to chew noisily, and horribly overpriced drinks to slurp ceremoniously (and most likely finish before the trailers are over). Follow it with Pizza and a lively discussion about whether the lead was more attractive in human or big blue form.

Indie/Arthouse (Donnie Darko, My Summer of Love)

At the local arthouse cinema, obviously, with a companion who wears dark rimmed specs and at least one item of tweed. Ideally visit it on a Monday or Tuesday to show you’re the sort of person who could visit the cinema any day of the week (nutter). Afterwards, compare notes in a thespian bar with a well-chosen glass of red or something else that’s definitely not lager.

Slasher/Horror (Dawn of the Dead)

Watch at a friends house on DVD, with the lights off and after a few ghost stories or (truth; optional) tales of deaths-during-filming to set the scary mood. Invite other like-minded viewers who appreciate whether the films live up to their bloody-minded expectations and can be impressed when you guess who the killer is. Screaming/Jumping/generally reacting loudly to the film: obligatory.

Romantic Comedy (Love Actually, Four Weddings)

Either at the local cinema or on DVD with your mum and ‘the girls’. These films are to be enjoyed with chocolate, wine, and absent of any macho-like presence that may try to spoil the mood. Sarcastic comments can only be made with underlying appreciation for the genre, like when Hugh Grant narrates Love Actually’s reunions, “c’mon girls, get a grip!’ only works if you’re holding back soppy tears yourself.

War and Conflict (Saving Private Ryan, Apocalypse Now)

To continue with the stereotypes; if you’re a woman, it’s probably best to watch it with at least one man or someone who can keep watching (and explain all) while you look away in horror. Follow with an episode of Friends, or something equally cheery, to prevent nightmares.

Emotional Human Drama (Stepmom)

Watch with people who you don’t mind seeing you cry, somewhere quiet - either in the cinema or at home when there’s no one who can walk in at the emotional moment. Keep tissues handy, and talk to other humans after in case the ‘uplifting’ element is minimal and you’re tempted to end everything.

Disney (no example necessary!)

The old ones are the best, not least because you’ll have seen them loads before and can happily sing along throughout. Ideally your companions will be equally obsessed and therefore not at all distressed by the singing or constant ‘oooh I love this bit’ outbursts. No need for the cinema, anyone over twenty should at least have the Lion King, Jungle Book and Robin Hood on VHS and DVD.

I could go on but will leave it there for now. Am I the only person quite so particular about how I watch a film?!