Now you will think I am really spoilt and I am, however  British Airways First Class is not up to my exacting standards. Yesterday  at  LAX I was bumped up in Business  to First and you would thought I would be overjoyed.

Not  at all.

First class has a clientele that belongs on a cruise liner. The staff are overly attentive and the clientele overly pampered and don’t start me on the food. I have had better  grub at boarding school. You see I really only want to be in Business upstairs far from the madding crowd  where you can find the best seat on the plane  which incidently is 63K, so hands off its mine.

How could I explain my horror with the airline when they thought I would be happy with the upgrade.  Well I got to sit in close proximity of Daphne Guiness, but the truth is that  Daphne’s  glamour is not enough to compensate for the distress caused by another occupant who decided the window opposite should stay wide open  for the entire flight.

The light was so strong that I felt as if I was benefiting from the Summer in Sweden, making it impossible to sleep, despite the eye mask of Anya Hindmarch very chic in navy and white.  The only good thing is that First Class leaves the plane first and you don’t have to trample over weary World Travellers who snear as  they make way for you.

Luckily despite no kip, my ten suitcases all arrived promptly and I also luckily got a porter to swiftly whisk me through to the head of the taxi queue. Give me Business upstairs where the staff are so lazy you can fall asleep between ordering a drink and getting it. Probably the most beneficial way to travel is to have the right card. Premier BA is given to the Alien elite who have help to carry a hand bag, luckily I have access to this through my ex. The gold card is also good, but you have to travel a lot to get it, and the rest, well they barely cut the mustard.

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